The Gord Report

Living the Dream

2010-10-06T15:13:00.000-04:00

Today I spent an hour and forty five minutes at the dog run. I came home and worked on my shirt business for a couple hours. Then I went grocery shopping and got:

A package of frozen breakfast sausage
Two big jars of spaghetti sauce
Four packages of ramen soup
One package of Thomas English muffins
A pound of frozen ravioli
And 12 rolls of toilet paper

All for $12.96. I also arranged to be in a focus group on Friday morning that pays $50, and hopefully will sell a shirt today.

If you know someone better at being unemployed than me, I'd like to meet them.

DG's GD Bocce Recap: Playoff Edition

2010-09-02T14:37:00.000-04:00

Last week's (8/24) bocce recap, by request:

Fellow Schwetties,

Saturday was a beautiful day for late summer playoff bocce...but play bocce was not what most of the playoff-qualified teams in our league wanted to do. I got to Union Hall a few minutes after 3 and walked in expecting to see the usual crowd and chaos that accompany playoff gameday, the air ripe with the special kind of tension that only arises from single-elimination, season-on-the-line at all times PLAYOFF BOCCE...

What I encountered instead was an eerily quiet bar with no games being played. Brian was in a booth with a tired-looking Bobby, who was looking intimidated but determined as he stared down a full rum and coke. I got myself a beer and asked Tom where everyone was...he said people just hadn't really turned out for the matches and most of the early games had been determined by forfeit. We three Schwetties shot the crap a little bit, our energy level low like the bar's, Bobby starting to take tentative sips of his drink as he reminisced about the bottle of Seagram's he'd destroyed the night before. A 3:00 game finally got going, Abbiamo Palle vs a horrible team that somehow kept pace with them for a while and had a guy who didn't make a good shot all match but reacted with shouting and groaning and bodily histrionics like he was genuinely surprised by every one of his shitty throws. I hated that guy but I'm glad he was there. Hatred greases the skids for the emergence of competitive bocce energy. Hatred and beer.

The bracket on the wall didn't name the winners of the early games but we were worried that nobody was going to show up to play us. In an inspired moment Bobby suggested we check the book. Sure enough, we saw that Color Me Bocce had beaten Brooklyn BC (or some shit) just by showing up. We were going to have a match after all and we started to perk up and get into game mode, by which I mean get into the music, ridicule Arm Behind His Back Guy behind his back, and talk shit about CMB. You know...perk up. Game mode.

The arm behind his back guy is really funny (unintentionally). A couple months ago he was rolling near Bobby and me. I noticed that he always threw with his non-throwing arm held behind him, horizontal across his lower back. The arm stayed there for his follow through as he watched his shot. It stayed there still as he stepped off the court and remained there as he stood watching others throw, during which time he often used the hand to hold his other arm. So after watching this for a few minutes of course I have to point it out to Bobby, who studies the situation for a minute and then concludes "he might be handicapped".

I'm blown away. It hadn't occurred to me but now it seems obvious and my heart sinks. Understand, I feel HORRIBLE about this, making fun of this poor bird with the broken wing. I remember every inspiring Special Olympics story I've ever heard and I'm becoming awed by his courage and bravery and want to tell him how great I think it is that he plays bocce...and then he picks something up with his "bad" arm. Faker!

For Bobby and I, it was pretty much the highlight of that particular month. And it was awesome to see him again Saturday, to bring Brian in on the joke, to have another good laugh at someone else in the league...we were ready.

Color Me Bocce is led by two guys who always wear the same long shorts, sneakers and sleeveless t-shirts (one of them says Jurassic 5 on it). They seem pretty douchey and are not very good at bocce. They also have an Asian fellow on the team, and I think a girl who was not present and was being replaced by a fairly homely one. Anyway, our court opened up and Sapna walked in right at four, and we started warming up. We talked to the guys for a minute and they seemed slightly less douchey and more stoned than we thought. We tossed a couple and when J5 asked if we had a coin, Bobby excitedly offered up his iPhone coin flip app that Silver and/or Miguel never allow. The CMBs thought it sounded pretty sweet and won the virtual toss.

In the first frame, Bobby and I threw from the near end of the bar against one of the guys without sleeves and the girl. We had the closest ball (1.5" vs 1.75", clear to the naked eye and measured twice) but they kept trying to get us to look from different angles and incorporating asinine measuring strategies (yes, one of them involved a dollar bill). Eventually they conceded the point. 1-0 us. "This could be a really long game," I told them.

CMB got a point off Brian and Sapna coming back. I think that was the frame on which Brian set the pellino deep and then left his first throw just over the midway line, which was as incredible as it sounds. The other team's next throw was only a few inches better and the members of both teams agreed, "this is NOT playoff bocce." On the next round the CMBs set it short and threw all four balls way too long, gifting four points to the Schwetties. We soon finished off an easy 7-1 win.

Remember when I poked fun at that really short throw Brian made? That was nothing compared to one the girl unleashed in the next game. Bobby and I set it really short along the left wall and then put our first ball right next to it. Short. On the left wall. The girl walks up and kind of sidearm wings it hard down the right side of the court almost to the back wall. It was an astonishing feat of incompetence and we other seven players kind of looked at each other awkwardly. One of the sleeveless guys asked what she was doing and the other one told him not to yell at her. Which was the right response but the first sleeveless guy was right too - the question needed to be asked, as uncomfortable as it was.

On their next throw, a sleeveless guy took out some frustration by unleashing the most aggressive smash throw you've never seen. It didn't break the pellino but it did send it sailing onto the other court and maybe even off of it. So we reset the frame. Does that mean the worst throw ever didn't officially happen? Is it like when a baseball game gets postponed after less than five innings and the statistics compiled are not counted? What happens to those home runs???

The CMBs took a couple points off us but never really threatened. We dominated and ate their faces all match long, taking the 2nd frame, 7-3. Meanwhile the Moms were on Court 1 demolishing a bunch of schlubs who looked like they'd barely played before. At one point it was 7-0, 5-0 and I overheard one of the schlubs telling one of the Moms "you are just way out of our league". In more ways than one, I would wager. It was pathetic.

I then offended the Moms twice, for a total of three times in two weeks. This time I went up to them and asked if they had really just beaten a team 7-0, 7-0 and then wondered aloud how those guys had made the playoffs (Offense #1). Misty told me that we were going to be playing them next week and I went over to the bracket on the wall and told our team that we'd be playing the Moms next week. When I got back to where the Moms were sitting, Misty told me pointedly that we were playing BOCCE BACI, NOT THE MOMS. I'm not really sure if that counts as a separate incidence of offending them. When they told me last week they were offended, it was also about being called The Moms (they said it was "reductionist" which I thought was a pretty big word for someone who spends 98% of her waking hours talking to a four year old). I told them it's no more reductionist than calling Bobby and me "Scarf" and "Beard" respectively, so I'm calling it even.

Jesus, someone needs to put me on a word count, pronto. I'll wrap up.

We ordered up three Jame-O and a Jager and then in another inspired moment Bobby made a pour-time decision to switch his to Jager out of respect for the previous night's bottle of whiskey. After we shot those, Brian and I both had a couple sips of our beers to finish before we left, and Bobby filled that minute of time by doubling down on his Jager shot.

We celebrated with a pie from Campo de Fiori (concise review: it's fine, but skip it) and then several hours of beers, darts and pool at Rock Shop. All in all, a successful afternoon.

The Moms are up next, on Sunday at a time TBD.

Gor-Don

Homeless camping

2010-08-27T13:58:00.001-04:00

You don't see this in Center Slope.

I've misplaced my camera's battery charger so for now we're stuck with 640x480 pics from a five year old cell phone. Like this one, of a probably homeless guy with a pretty sweet set-up in a little park next to my place. In the mornings he sits on the bench and drinks big cans of beer. Other times he sleeps on the bench (pictured).

His captain's chair and big beers in the daytime always remind me of camping; replace with a campfire the blanket of various items that should probably be burned anyway, add another chair and start throwing a hatchet at trees and you've pretty much got the setup we use.

Hipsters Can't Throw

2010-08-24T13:35:00.002-04:00

"Now, Gordon's going to be starting in right field today...and he's a slow runner and a poor thrower...but he's got a heart the size of Texas, damnit."

- Frank DiChristina, my high school baseball coach, addressing the team before a 1994 game

It's true. My late-blooming 17-year old arm left something to be desired on the varsity baseball field. But I am Ichiro Suzuki compared to the other people tossing tennis balls around the dog run here in the South Slope. Stepping with the wrong foot, throwing the ball straight into the ground, awkward sidearms, screwing up aim and accidentally hitting dogs or tossing the ball clear of the premises altogether...these are all standard occurrences at the park. Inside the fences of the dog run, my arm's also the size of a state.

Shelves

2010-08-20T10:33:00.000-04:00

This was my Sunday project. Now it is Friday and they are all still up.

Work in Progress

2010-08-12T14:33:00.001-04:00

Dining room with curtains installed.

New paint for the Great Wall of China Cabinet to break up the green a little bit.

Roman shades from Lowe's for the studio. At $30 each, about $270 per window less than the custom shade maker quoted me.

Guess who looooves riding the motorcycle?

Guess who looooves looking out the window at the yard?

The Dog Settles In

2010-07-27T13:18:00.001-04:00


At the new dog run in our new neighborhood. Great place for dogs and people.

Side Coop.

For a dog whose favorite thing is chewing on things made of wood, mulch is a dream come true.

The tub was one of his favorite places in the old apartment. He doesn't seem to miss it though. Really likes the new tub.

A good place to get some sleep.

First Look! Grand Prospect House!

2010-07-26T13:02:00.004-04:00

First Look: GRAND PROSPECT HOUSE!!!

Our block, Prospect Ave between Aves 4 and 5.

The view out the back window, into the yard.

My kitchen, with sausage cooking in the crock pot.

A highlight of the kitchen. Very happy about this thing.

View of dining room from living room.

A new old table for the horse lamp.

China cabinet, rocking chair and old floor lamp.

Bathroom with some cabinet doors open.

Bedroom.

More bedroom with door to studio open.

View out front window to Prospect Ave and Expressway.

Actually, here's a better view of same. Parking one's motorcycle in front of the place makes a house a home.

Plurkroom, complete with Green Monster.

At times, he appears to have a very large head like his old man.

Bonus shot from Jill's "Great Gatsby" party.

Bocce Recap, 7/21

2010-07-21T12:59:00.001-04:00

I am a proud member of the Schwetty Balls, and I’m just immodest enough to say that I think we are one of Park Slope’s top bocce teams. Last night, we improved our record to four wins and one loss. For my teammates who couldn't attend the match, I recapped it thusly:

Bobby Bocce, Migs, Brian and I were there, accompanied throughout by Schwettyfriend Benji. We were hanging in a booth waiting for our game and briefly met British Guy and Terrible Girl (also known as “Too Attractive for Her Husband” and "Looks Boring Though"), who said they'd be playing us and started warming up as they awaited their teammates. Lilly the Regular came up to us a few minutes later and asked what we were up to, and whether we would be losing tonight ("probably not," Bobby Bocce* replied). Turns out we were playing her team, Closer. British Guy and Terrible Girl were Josh and Lilly's teammates, along with some ringer they had brought along. You can refer to him as Annoying Guy with Capri Pants, though this moniker neglects my favorite part of his look, the Urban Mullet. Kind of like this:

He was annoying because he kept mulling around between shots commenting on every little thing going on, and saying things like "now we're bocce-ing!" and "ooh, heyy, whoa" and crouching near the cluster of balls peering intently at them as our team got ready to make our shots. Really annoying.

Anyway, we got going for Game One with Bobby and me holding down our usual end of Court Two against British Guy and Terrible Girl, and Brian and Migs manning the far end against Josh and Lilly. Bobby spent considerable time trying to figure out if they are actually married or not. Do any of you know? It may be unknown. And certainly irrelevant, so…back to the recap.

Bobby and I threw our first ball, Brit and Terrible wasted all four of theirs in terrific, Terrible fashion, and Bobby and I tucked in our last three for a four-fer to start things out. Two frames later and we'd taken Game One, seven-zip.

Urban Mullet subbed in for Terrible Girl for Game Two, and we turned in our usual Game Two stink-bomb. Josh and Lilly got three right away, we worked back to 3-1, 3-2 and 3-3, but then they opened it back up. Urban Mullet and The Brit (and I'll tell you another thing: The Brit was wearing one of those dress shirts where the collar is white even though the rest of the shirt is not, and that always ticks me off. You don't wear a shirt like that unless you're the CEO, or you're Lumburg from Office Space:

There is no third situation in which you can wear one of those shirts. I don't know. Maybe he's the CEO. It would help explain him having a reasonably attractive wife.) took advantage of a bad frame from Bobby and me to take two points and we lost the game, I'd say 7-4 or so.

You've all heard the story above a hundred times. We eat their faces off in Game One and then get for Game Two, leaving us momentum-less heading into the rubber match.

* My top adjective choices: cocky, distracted, bored, drunk, sick to our collective metaphorical stomach and poop the figurative bed

In Game Three, we got off to a promising start and a 4-0 lead. Closer chipped away a little bit and got it to 4-3. They had one good chance to put us away: Josh and Lilly had the closest ball plus three in hand after all four of ours were out (and there was space there to get more points). But Lilly left both of hers short (taking six to eight minutes to plan each shot while I systematically gnawed off my arm at the elbow) and Josh uncharacteristically missed his too, and we were still in it at 4-4.

Well, Schwetties, I'm happy to say that on this night, the movie has a happy ending. With Terrible Girl cheering from the sidelines and showing her disappointment with each roll that went in our favor, and Josh growing more and more agitated, and Lilly grinding the match down to a virtual standstill (I'm serious - I like to think that time physically stops while she's lining up a shot, so that I don't actually age during this time; to think that I don't get that time back and crawl steadily closer to death waiting for her is too depressing to bear. Maybe this is why they're called "Closer" - you get considerably closer to death waiting for her. Also, Josh and Lilly are the oldest people in the League by 20 years, right? You'd think they'd want to keep things moving.), and Urban Mullet crouching near the balls in a manner that made me want to Gor-Don Smash** with every throw in the hopes that a ball would take a "bad" bounce into his face, the Schwetties were cool and composed. Bobby and I took a point for 5-4, and then Miguel made a set and first throw that Josh and Lilly couldn't beat and Brian calmly finished them off with a second point for 7-4. Frame! Game! Match! Schwetties!

After the good-game, good-game, good-games, Lilly was asking anyone on our team who would listen if we'd seen that her throw hit "the dead spot."

"No" I replied.
"Oh, yeah, I don't know," said Bobby.
"I think everyone hit the dead spot at one point or another" added the wise Miguel.

Translation: "Simmer down, Old Lady. Long live the Schwet."

After that, we downed the traditional ceremonial Jameson shot and headed out. I believe we're now tied for first in the league, pending the outcome of tonight's make-up against Abbiamo Palle. Bobby and I talked with PBR Street Gang a bit during our match. That's the team that made us feel very bad about ourselves in Week 1. They lost to Big Bob & His McLaren Rollers, so...we're looking good and are on a serious roll since our opening week setback.

Or, as Miguel would recap:

we won

See you soon,
Gor-Don

Endnotes:

* Yes, I do refer to Bobby by his bocce nickname outside the bocce arena.
** Gor-Don is my bocce nickname. It’s derived from a certain smash throw I like to use. There’s a special robot walk that accompanies it. It defies verbal description. I can demonstrate in an interview.

Dog Pics

2010-02-11T16:50:00.004-05:00

Post-op Cooper, excited about his new lampshade.

Two hours later, he'd chewed through it so he could lick the incision.

Now he's wearing one made for much bigger dogs. Hates the cone, loves the tub.

Ugh

2009-06-10T12:22:00.000-04:00

Ugh. The less time I spend thinking and writing about this, the happier I’m going to be. So this post will be short and there is nothing sweet about it.

About four weeks ago I went out to move my motorcycle to the other side of the street and saw that it seemed to have been jostled. One handlebar end was poking out through a small hole in the cover, and the front of the cover was partly underneath the front tire, meaning that the bike had rolled forward an inch or so. I started it up and started to pull out of my space and squeezed the front brake and the lever pulled all the way to the handlebar with no tension and no stopping power. I checked the bike and cables for signs of damage but didn’t see anything. I squeezed the brake lever a few times and eventually the lever developed some tension, as though it had needed to be pumped a few times. However, as soon as I rolled the bike a couple feet forward, I was back to the no-tension situation.

I rode partway down the street and could hear the brake pads alternately rubbing and then not rubbing on the wheel. I also noticed that the handlebar was turned several degrees to the right even when the bike and front tire were facing directly forward.

I parked again and saw that the front end of the bike – fork, fender, wheel – weren’t aligned with each other. I knew that I’d been parked behind a navy blue Forrester and I found two of those on my street and left them notes (“Were you parked at the top of the street earlier this week? Might you have hit my motorcycle? If so, call me!”), called Ol’ Dad with my tale of woe, and then told it to Geico.

They sent out an adjuster, my deductible is $1,000, the bike needs a new fork and a new brake rotor and maybe a new wheel, and I lost my helmet because I took it out to the street with me when I met the adjuster and I left it on the sidewalk. I hate everything about this story and I’m done telling it.

Actually, no. I'll throw a happy-ish ending in here. I got the little bike fixed too and it's running now, my mechanic thinks he'll have the Mean Streak done by the weekend, and I bought the 3/4 helmet with the nautical star on it that I liked a few months ago. And which is an XXL that is too tight on my head and I need to email the store to see if they'll take it back and give me an XXXL. Which is just fucking ridiculous. I was right the first time. I do hate this post.

Running Diary of Meatloaf Dinner Night

2009-05-03T18:14:00.017-04:00

This post is dedicated to Kate Murphy.

"From these ingredients, there will be meat loaf."

6:14: I am home, and I have ingredients. Very excited about the meat loaf (meatloaf? I'm unsure). Excited enough that I would be listening to a Meat Loaf CD if I had one. Since I don't, I am going to buy "I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)" on iTunes and that will be the soundtrack for tonight's cooking. As an added bonus, I'll own a song that I would love even if the video DIDN'T prominently feature riding motorcycles in the house. Which this one does.

6:38: Peppers and onions are sauteing with salt and pepper. Garlic will go in momentarily. Meat Loaf song has been purchased and is about to go on the stereo.

"Veggies in pan."

6:40: Veggies are cooking and smelling nicely as Meat Loaf rocks the apartment. It is shaping up to be a great meal. More of an experience than a meal.

"Some days I just pray to the Gods of sex and drums and rock n roll." - Meat Loaf

6:44: A piece of green pepper fell on the floor and I picked it up and ate it under the provisions of the 5-second rule. I spent most of the weekend mopping my floors, so I didn't hesitate. Funny enough, I told Anno earlier today that the kitchen floor was so clean I would allow Lyla to eat off of it (one reason that I should not babysit all that often). A few hours later, there I was...eating off it myself...kind of. Moving on...

6:46: That song is awesome. One Loaf song isn't enough so I've added "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" to my music collection, turned up the volume, and added the garlic.

Side note: I remember having a pretty strong adolescent male reaction to the lady ("Mrs. Loud") who sings with Loaf on "I Would Do Anything..." I have just made a mental note to find the video and see if I still think 1993 Mrs. Loud was way hot.

6:49: What was that about a Cracker Jack box? "Two Out of Three..." may not be as lyrically strong as the last song. Veggies have been transferred to mixing bowl, where they await the ground beef and sausage.

6:57: I'm mixing meatloaf ingredients together and I'm out of Meat Loaf...

6:59: And now the 1977 album "Bat Out of Hell" is downloading to this very computer...

7:01: Oh yeah. So much Meat Loaf.

7:16: Everything's been mixed and ready to press into the pan.

7:18: Going into the pan:

7:22: Ready for the oven.

7:25: It's cooking in the oven. This is minute 1 of 90. So I have some time to upload the pictures I've taken so far, get a new beer, clean my dishes, and keep my eyes on the prize by enjoying my new classic (came out in '77, as did I) rock album...

7:46: Dishes are done. And I am eating cheese for an appetizer because my friend is a cheese salesman and he traveled to NYC last weekend. He is a traveling cheese salesman.

A few cheesy rhymes notwithstanding, this Meat Loaf CD is phenomenal. Rocking, heartbreaking, epically theatrical at times, and all very well sung. Loaf has a cool and distinctive voice.

7:47: An absolutely amazing thing just happened. I was sitting here typing up some notes for this entry and listening to Meat Loaf and watching TV with the sound off. I was watching "Wedding Crashers" because that's what I do whenever "Wedding Crashers" is on, and I looked up and saw Owen Wilson talking to Will Farrell and I realized that what was about to happen was absolutely amazing and I grabbed my camera and snapped this picture just in time:

"MOM! The meat loaf!!! FUCK!"

7:52:

"Paradise by the oven light."

7:58: Potato is stabbed and baking.

8:33: Looking good. 20 minutes left for the loaf and the spud. Time to start the spinach.

9:01: Oh yeah.

Yeah, Uh-huh One More Saturday Night

2008-07-22T15:56:00.011-04:00

Saturday night was, of course, The World's Shittiest Costume Party, aka Stefan's 31st Birthday Party. I made a run to "Save on 5th" for $3.50 worth of party supplies (black duct tape, $1.50; big cardboard box, $1.99) as well as four light bulbs for $1.99 and a glass jar that holds a candle for 70 cents. You really do save at this place on 5th.

I got home and got to work:

A couple hours and a lot of head-sweat later, I had a perfect, brilliantly shitty guitar made out of a cardboard box, duct tape and nylon rope:

I took it for a quick test drive and was ready to rock, and by rock, I mean party:

Here are the hosts. From right to left, you have Birthday Guy Stefan as a shitty storm trooper and Biz as shitty slave Leia. If this recap leaves you hungry for more photos and commentary from this soon-to-be-legendary event, or if you've always wondered what a detective would like like if he had a dildo for a hand, check out Biz's summary at PrincessPonyPartyAmazing.

A lot of cardboard costume in this shot.

Here, going from left to right, you have Jaime and Jay as shitty David Wright and Wild, Wild West, disrespectively. Get it? She's Will Smith's shittiest movie. This costume operates at a high level.

In addition to shitty beer (it was actually just-fine Bud but, well, you know - this is Park Slope) and wine, mixed drinks named Number 1 and Number 2 were available:

I started with a cup of the Number 1, which was a sweet, beach-oriented drink with banana and coconut flavors. I moved onto the Number 2 which tasted like Long Island Iced Tea and napalm. Then it was on to trusty old Bud Heavy cans for the rest of the night. But I imagine I speak for myself and most of the partygoers when I say that Stefan's and my karaoke performance was the most intoxicating thing anybody served:

"You know where you are?"

"You're in the jungle, baby."

Later in the evening, some costume judging happened and Jay, Jaime and I accounted for 60% of the finalists. We are joined onstage by (right to left) Bad Habit and eventual prize-winner* "Stefan Sux"** (note the devil horns), who each accounted for 20% of the finalists.

* I believe the prize was a shitty cardboard keyboard for some reason.
** I'm not sure it comes across in this picture, but this was a fantastic costume and she was a deserving and grateful winner. She was happy about her prize to the point of being somewhat emotional about it.

Here are the hosts busting out a little karaoke. If it looks like they really know what they're doing, it's probably because they were up late the night before, practicing. The karaoke machine was a three-day rental and if you don't think they got their money's worth out of it, then I don't even know.

I'm not sure if this was in response to a noise complaint or a preemptive measure in anticipation of one, but the karaoke operation was moved inside at some advanced stage of the party. Everyone (everyone) teamed up at one point for a soaring "How's it Gonna Be?" that truly brought down the house (in other words, all of us singers received thunderous applause from and for ourselves).

"(l. to r.): Jay, Angela and Stefan enjoy Late-Night Group Indoor Karaoke."

The party finally broke around 3:30 and I headed home, sat down on my couch, realized I was hungry, and walked to the diner for a bacon cheeseburger, fries, and mozzerella sticks.

Sunday's accomplishments were minimal.

Dark Knight Night

2008-07-19T12:33:00.005-04:00

Most of you know that I only go out to the movies about twice a year. Monica (who, if she has been campaigning this week for election as some kind of Social Coordinator, is doing a great job) got a group of eight of us together last night to go see The Dark Knight. My movie recommendation engine (and fellow blogger) Jay had asked previously in the summer if I planned to see anything this season and, when I said that I didn't but was open to a suggestion, told me that this would be the one. Between that and my desire to witness some of the bedlam that was sure to come with opening night of this movie in the city, I gladly accepted Monica's invitation.

I left work, headed up to Times Square, and dropped into Viva Pancho for a couple beers before dinner. Mel C. and her friend Kristen stopped by and I had the bartender take our picture.

"Pre-Pre Partying"

Pancho's is the kind of fancy joint that offers Quick Draw and I played a two-dollar seven-spot card. My winnings are pictured below in their entirety. As you can see, I'm upside-down on my wager.

Can anyone other than Ol' Dad recognize the significance of the numbers visible in this picture of my card? Click the photo to enlarge it.

The next stop was Virgil's for some barbeque. If you look up "six on a scale of one to 10, with 10 being the highest" in a dictionary, you will see a picture of this place. Without question, it scores just on the good side of "average" in every category except for maybe "value" since it's located in Times Square. It was a nice and fun dinner but these guys can't hold the Dinosaur's jock.

Mary makes some adjustments to the foliage in her mint julep, which, predictably, scored a solid "6".

We walked over to the AMC Empire 25 theater at about 7:45 to claim our pre-ordered tickets and start lining up. There was a crowd, and you could tell that something buzz-worthy was going on, but it wasn't quite the zoo that I expected.

The theater had a show starting every 30 minutes and did a pretty good job of keeping people outside of the theater until shortly before each showing started. As someone who had to use the can at around 8:00, I would argue they did a little bit too good a job. I first talked to a ticket-taker, making the case to let me upstairs to use a restroom since there are none in the lobby level. I promised I wouldn't sneak into the 8:30 show, but still wasn't allowed up. I escalated things to a manager, who at first also refused to budge. I wasn't getting anywhere, but I also wasn't going anywhere. I played the "I'm a paying customer. You can't refuse me access to a bathroom!" card, unsuccessfully. Finally, I broke the situation down to its core and simultaneously asked him to put himself in my shoes: "Look. I badly have to take a piss. What would you do if you were me?" He paused, relented, and said that he would ESCORT me upstairs. I got on the escalator and, luckily, he didn't actually follow.

Afterwards, I re-joined my friends on the line. They were starting to get excited:

But probably not as excited as this guy:

If you look closely, you'll see that there are at least four people in this picture taking a picture of the Bat Mobile. What a bunch of losers. Wait...never mind.

I have somewhat weird and unpredictable taste in movies, I was balls hot and uncomfortable in the theater, and so exhausted that I had to fight to stay awake at times even though the movie is visually and aurally spectacular. I don't know much about the Batman series or stories and I didn't get too engaged with the plot of this movie. I felt the same way watching The Dark Knight as I did watching Lawrence of Arabia or the one Lord of the Rings movie I tried: it's quite a feat of film-making and I understand why people who love it think it's awesome, but I didn't find myself enjoying it and I checked my watch fairly often, wondering how much longer it would be until it was over. Beyond that, I'm leaving the reviewing to the professionals, who are pretty unanimous in their praise.

And on that note, I'm off to fashion a shitty Les Paul (the guitar, not the man) out of cardboard.

Week in Review

2008-07-17T22:03:00.007-04:00

Sunday: Yardwork. In the morning, the yard didn't look so good. In fact, it looked like something out of a Vietnam War movie:

View from the back patio

From the patio and looking toward the right.

It was quite a jungle. This seems like a good time to mention that my mom recently saved me about $150 in yard care equipment. I told her a couple weeks ago that the hardware store was getting in some rotary lawnmowers and that I was going to buy one and cut down my lawn, which had gotten out of control. Without even seeing my "lawn" she suggested that my tall "lawn" might actually be mostly weeds and that perhaps I could just pull them out. It turns out that I had almost no grass at all, and the weeds came up in big clumps. I have no idea how she knew this. Some kind of motherly intuition, I guess.

I yanked them out as best as I could, and cut back a lot of the branches from my neighbors' trees that were extending over my side of the fence. I bought a hoe (insert your own joke here; no, seriously, it's OK - it never gets old) and turned over all the soil back there. Cleaned my tabletop and swept all the concrete.

Five hours, 96 ounces of water, dozens of bug bites, a good sunburn, and numerous minor cuts and scrapes later, this is how it looked:

Monday: Free New York Philharmonic concert in Prospect Park. This was a great event that Monica put together. She didn't put together the whole concert event, just our friends' outing to the concert event. Beautiful night, stunning sky, and this orchestra is a pretty competent outfit. Wine and a Thermos full of margaritas. Pretzels, hummus, chips, veggies, black bean salsa, dark chocolate, chorizo, cherries, goat cheese, and chocolate espresso beans.

Jesus, what a bunch of yuppies.

Broke out my picnic backpack.

The view from our spot.

Bonus.

We even night-capped it with a couple pints of beer at the bar after the last of the fireworks. Heck of a Monday.

Tuesday:

That's right, strawberry margarita night at the Gordon household. I don't really have much to add.

Wednesday: My stomach wasn't feeling too good in the morning (no correlation to Strawberry Margarita Night, of course) so I stayed home from work. I had Season 1, Disc 1 of The Wire on a DVD from Netflix, which I got around to joining on Sunday as I'd meant to for about four years. After watching the three episodes on the disc, I walked to 7th Ave, opened a video store membership, and rented the next two discs. By the time I called it a night and conceded that the day had really gotten away from me, I'd watched the first eight episodes.

This show was going to disappoint me if it were anything less than the best drama I've ever seen. It's cool that it's living up to my ridiculously high expectations.

Thursday: Best miscellaneous NYC street exchange involving me, so far this month:

Black guy: "WOW! There he is! There the guy who gets all the chicks!"
Me (continuing to walk, nodding): "Ha ha!"
Black guy (louder, as I'm walking away): "HOW DO YOU DO IT?!?"

It seems to be a commonly held belief amongst very slightly crazy black guys that I get "all the ladies." It started with the homeless guy in Georgetown a few years back who looked and sounded exactly like Samuel L. Jackson who swore I got all the "bitches" because "YOU A PRETTY MUTHAFUCKA!" More recently, a dude on the subway came up to me to say I must get all the ladies because of this nice hair. And of course, if you ever grilled with Trevor and me in front of the 187A, you noticed that black people were much more forthcoming with the props for our outstanding year-round grilling operation than were white folks. This led us to the conclusion that "BPLU" - Black People Love Us. If you're not familiar with the excellent blog of the same name, you should be.

10 Exciting Things

2008-07-12T20:10:00.020-04:00

Tonight's post is a list of things about which I'm currently excited, in no particular order:

1) Richmond, VA. Without getting into a lot of detail, I'll just say that it came up a month or two ago that it's been...a while...since I've been to visit my sister Laura. I spent a little time at the end of this week planning a trip down to Richmond for the end of the month. This is going to be insane. Super-condensed itinerary:

- 7/30: Fly (yeah, fly - I love you, Amtrak, but suck it - I'm going Big Time for this trip) into Richmond, hang with Laura, torment Storm the cat.
- 7/31: Road trip with Laura down to NC to meet Dad, Pam, and a boatload of Devendorfs at the beach.
- 8/1: Rock Dad's 60th. Own it. Descend on the beach. Destroy it.
- 8 /2: Drive back to Richmond. Resume Stormenting the cat.
- 8/3: Fly back to NYC.

2) My new table. At the end of a lengthy late morning/early afternoon walkabout in the Slope, my last stop was to check on a table that's been for sale at the 7th Ave flea market for a couple months. I wanted to see if it was still available and if the price had come down at all from $750. I ended up seeing a different, real nice wooden table with two removable leaves for about 1/6 the money. I came home, measured my existing table and the space available for a new one, and went back and measured the one for sale. The guy selling it came up to me and I said, "so, this is a hundred and twenty dollars?" Right away, it struck me as a stupid question:

But he surprised me by saying "one ten." He also said he'd deliver it this afternoon for free, so I said "deal."

Out with the old.

In with the new.

First meal at new table.

Remind me to buy or make a set of coasters. The rubber potholder got the job done, but I don't know that it puts out a vibe of classiness. I don't want people to come under the impression that I'm not a real damn classy dude.

If either of you readers know of any good places to buy chairs, you know who to tell. Not that the rickety stool and three crappy chairs that I found in the basement aren't awesome, but I'm in the market.

2)a) The first-ever Gord Report poll. It'd be pretty sweet if the poll were located right here:

POLL GOES HERE, RIGHT?

But I don't know how to make that happen. So if you want to vote on where the old table should go, I think you have to look at the bottom of this page. Here are some helpful digital photographs illustrating the options:

1. Put it in the living room like an end table.

2. Put it in the bedroom, near the dresser.

3. Put it near the fireplace.

4. Just get rid of it. You should be able to visualize this without benefit of a photo.

If you're reading this, make sure you vote. I wasted a lot of time and risked a lot of back injury hauling the damn thing around my apartment; you can take two seconds to vote. I'll go with whatever option wins, unless you vote like a bunch of jackasses. I see this being very closely contested, with one of the choices winning by about a 1-0-0-0 margin.

3) The Mets 8-game winning streak that has them within half a game of first. In the last five games, they've allowed 3, 3, 3, 3, and 1 hit(s), respectively. I'm sorry, I can't hear you asking who they've played in that span.

4) The baby Jones. I know she's 15 days old and getting her third post worth of substantial attention and that some of you aren't happy about getting zero ink about your own 27 years, but this is an instant classic. Turn up your speakers.

5) The Garden. Here's where we're at:

The string beans went nuts the last couple days. These were nothing at the start of the week. Since the beans themselves blend in with the stalks, I used my advanced photo manipulation skills to write the label "Bean." in red at the bottom of each bean. I've got my eye on the big fella in the center of the foreground there. I'm gonna eat that shit soon.

A friend told me last weekend that a nice thing about lettuce is that you only need a couple leaves, just enough to put on a sandwich. I guess she's not a big salad-eater. Anyway, if what she said is true, then I'm close to harvesting a bumper crop of two sandwiches worth of lettuce.

This is my most advanced pod of peas, so far. I'm watching it closely and really hoping it fills out a little bit the next couple days. I've never studied one specimen of produce more than I've watched this one the last couple days. This pod could very well be the only food that I harvest out of nine pea plants, which is why I'm so attached to it. If other peas are on their way, they're really far behind the curve.

I like this picture. This is one of a bunch of little jalapenos that are starting to show up. The other peppers haven't really started to flower yet.

Finally, here's the whole operation as of this morning. The yellow tomato plant is now as tall as I am (about 6'4"). The new pole in the middle of the garden was the handle of a broken rake, now re-purposed to give support to a vine that had grown off the main stem and grown long enough that it started to break under its own weight.

So yeah. That's the garden. I'm excited about it.

6) The Dan Gordon Party. Believe it or not, I am not the one who named or who is hosting this event. With a friend or two, including but not limited to the great Mel C., I'll finally be getting down to Berwyn, PA on the weekend of August 8-10 to visit my friends Kate and John Murphy and meet their no-longer-a-baby, Sally. If this picture is any indication of how these people know how to party, this is going to be epic:

7) Partying as Shitty Slash. One of the highlights of every summer is the birthday party that Stefan throws for himself. If you weren't able to attend Stefan Rules!, the Tiki Party, Sexy Farm, or Beach Party, you probably at least heard the stories.

This year's event:

Just as I was starting to get frustrated about having no ideas to compare to the brilliantly shitty costumes that my more creative friends were putting together, my plan came together last night. Here's a special sneak preview:

"Shitty Slash"

It's going to be a busy week, what with crafting a guitar out of cardboard and wrapping my cowboy hat in electrical tape so it looks like a black top hat, but this should be pretty hot. And if you know one thing about me, you know that I pounce on all opportunities to wear my sleeveless GnR t-shirt.

8) New tunes on my iPod. Other than happy memories of Lyla shitting on Trevor twice, my favorite takeaway from last weekend was a bunch of new music on my iPod. Since losing my first iPod under dubious drunken circumstances, I've been without a lot of old favorites. I've been needing to plug my new iPod into Trevor's and Anne's computer for a while to get them back. It made for a real nice week, being re-united with music from the likes of OK Go, My Chemical Romance, Built to Spill, the Sheila Divine, and Op Ivy. I also got the new records from Counting Crows, Weezer, Wyclef, and Coldplay.

Reading that list now, I see there's a major "not like the others" thing in there...

9) My new fan. I'm on a semi-environmentalist kick right now and I felt that I should make an honest effort to get through the summer without using air conditioning. On one hand, I believe that they may use freon and produce something called "greenhouse gases" which might deplete some sort of layer of ozone, thereby contributing to global warming, or else not. I won't bore you with more details that I don't know than that. On the other hand, who sweats more than me when the temperature goes above 65?

My conviction on this matter is further tested by the fact that my landlord pays my electric bill, so dropping a few bucks on an air conditioner would mean free A/C for as long as I live here. That's tempting.

Anyway, the kitchen isn't too bad because it has windows and a ceiling fan. I have additional windows in the bedroom, and a small oscillating fan. But the middle of the apartment can get pretty hot. Having a guitar in said middle has provided no cooling effects at all:

So I tried something new and bought a fan. It seemed to have all the features that I require:

I was able to assemble it in just a few short hours, and began enjoying the benefits immediately. This must be what it's like to have a swimming pool.

10) Losing five pounds. There are starting to be a lot of pictures on this blog of me without a shirt on. There's every possibility that I don't look like a fat fuck in many of them, but I'm working really hard at sucking it in for the camera. When I don't make the effort, I look a little more similar to these 8-month pregnant friends than would be preferable:

I should be able to take off five pounds pretty easily, so I'm going to try to make that happen between now and the end of August. Great. More nights of turning myself into a sweaty wreck trying to drag myself around the park and then eating healthy food and drinking water afterwards. Awesome.

Garden Update, 8 July

2008-07-09T16:54:00.003-04:00

Here's the whole operation as of Tuesday, 7/8. The yellow pear tomato plant in the front has started getting a little out of control since it overgrew the top of the cage...maybe I should have left the cage upside down so the narrow end of it could keep it reined in a little bit. I'll see about tying it up a little bit so that the growth is upward rather than outward.

It's pretty wild how tall and fast these tomatoes are growing. They're almost as tall as I am.

This is the cluster of the biggest tomatoes I have so far. The largest one is about the size of a marble, not quite as large as a grape. Maybe the size of a small grape. In any event, it's starting to look more and more like we may just have a garden miracle...

File under "Pathetic"

2008-07-08T23:49:00.002-04:00

Last night I went for my first run in about three months. It was an abysmal failure. The photo below was taken right after I got home. It's annotated to show a few of the things that went wrong with me. I don't have a rear view shot so I didn't include anything about the back pain that kicked in on my walk home (yes, I had to walk home) and this shot cuts off at the thighs so I couldn't call out any knee or foot issues. Just horrible. Click to enlarge if the type is too small.

A couple of the people who will see this (or about 50%) know that I am involved in a push-up contest for this year (a year for which, incidentally, my motto is "Takin' it to a whole nother level in 08"). At Christmastime, I cranked out 24 to set my baseline for the year. A couple of months ago, I put up 30 while on a phone call with my co-competitors, my sisters and my Dad. Then I put the push-ups down for a couple months. After yesterday's disgraceful foray back into the wonderful world of exercise, I decided to see today what I could do in the push-up department:

I didn't exactly set the exercise world on fire, but it was a better performance than yesterday's and it's good to have a new baseline, something on which to build. I'm posting this video and letting people see where I'm at and also committing to posting an update one month from today. My hope is that this small promise will give me the motivation to keep practicing since it would be embarrassing to do no better in a month than I did tonight.

We'll see how that works out, considering that I have about five readers, all of whom have seen me in considerably more embarrassing situations than a poor push-up performance would constitute.

Lyla June Jones

2008-07-08T23:20:00.006-04:00

She is such an awesome baby that she gets her own post.

So damn cute.

She pooped on Trevor. Actually she did this twice this weekend and I was just so proud of her.

Rocking out with her Uncle Dan. She's a good kid. Big, too.

This is so it doesn't go to her head, how good-looking she is. This is like one of those "celebrities caught without their makeup on" stories from the gossip tabloids. Lyla...she's just like us!!!
Looking good, kiddo.

4th of July

2008-07-08T19:43:00.005-04:00

This is Plymouth's 4th of July parade. This float was an ad for some ghost tours or something. There were other ads for politicians, including John Kerry, several of whom walked in the parade and shook hands. It seems that, these days, sadly, in the birthplace of our nation, it's not so much about the independence as it is the advertising dollars.

And it was never about the spelling.

The girl near the right edge of the frame has a chicken on her head.

We put on a pretty wild show with some sparklers, but the real show came later, when we had the special opportunity to blow up a firework that Trevor's dad found on a job site. It occurred to me at the last minute to catch the end of the display on camera:

All in all, a great celebration of one of my three favorite holidays.

Southpaw

2008-07-03T11:00:00.005-04:00

What a half-assed photo. Seriously. In contrast, Frightened Rabbit's show was 100%-assed rock n roll. This was last night at Southpaw. The 'Rabbit obviously has quite a following, because the 'paw was as full as I've ever seen it (in the five or six times I've been).

There's no excuse for the way I've underutilized this place. For five years I've had this awesome venue within about six blocks and I barely get there once a year. Big open space, consistently excellent talent, a good bar, a friendly staff and a cool basement. They have shows most nights and most shows cost about ten bucks. Did I mention it's six blocks away and I go once a year?

Clover Club

2008-06-30T22:22:00.004-04:00

Tonight's unexpected and thoroughly fun activity: expert cocktails and apps at Clover Club, a well-concepted and well-executed cocktail bar in Carroll Gardens.

Drinks: New York Sour, The Slope, Mint Jules, and one other whose name I am nowhere close to remembering.

Foods: Deviled eggs with four flavors, chicken wingettes with roquefort sauce ("wings, but without wing sauce and with roquefort sauce"), fancy pigs in fancy blankets, and oysters on the half shell.

The dozen or so different cocktails consumed at our table yielded not one loser, as they ranged from "very good" to "holy fucking shit this is the perfect drink" (Stefan's, and then Monica's Something Swizzle, it was strongly pineapple...little help here? Be the one to leave the third comment on this blog).

Also - with my bad-ass new eyes, reading all the fine print on this bag ain't no thang:

Welcome.

2008-06-30T13:23:00.004-04:00

Lyla June Jones.

Born at 9:44 a.m. on 6/27.

Glad you made it.

You'll have fun.

Laser Eyeball Surgery

2008-06-29T12:54:00.001-04:00

"They see better than they look."

On Friday, 25 years of serious nearsightedness came to an end with a 20-minute procedure. It's astounding. At my follow-up appointment yesterday morning, Dr. Moadel pronounced my corneas "awesome" and I read the bottom line.

They gave me goggles to wear while I sleep so I don't rub my eyes on accident. They make me look like this:

Here's a fun YouTube video that makes the process look worse than it is.

Gard Report 2

2008-06-25T20:44:00.001-04:00

I wasn't able to play softball with my friend's team as planned tonight after unexpectedly having my eyeballs dilated this afternoon, so I did a couple things out here. On the third tomato plant from the bottom on the left side of this picture, look how it's just about up to the fourth rope on the lattice tonight. In the picture from this morning (last picture in next post), it was just about up to the third rope. Wicked.

These peas have been a minor issue since last weekend. I came home last Sunday after a huge rainstorm dumped a ton of water in Brooklyn and found these plants knocked pretty flat (this was before I staked the yellow tomato plant, and it too was lying on its side). They'd bounced back a little ways but were still lying pretty low. As you can see by this "before" picture.

So I found this length of thin moulding in the basement and cut it into eight sticks, about 10" tall. After completing my first Neighbor Borrow and scoring a ball of string, I tied the sticks together near their tops. I pulled the plants apart from one another and looped each plant over the string to get them off the ground.

Last thing: I pruned the yellow tomato a little bit and then worked the upside-down cage up and off of it as carefully as possible. It was harder to get it back over the plant with the smaller end down but I don't think I did much damage.

The decision to re-install the cage was a toughie. When I first realized I did it wrong (after checking out on Sunday how my Dad did his), I figured I'd fix it as soon as I got home. When I saw how much tomato plant had grown around the upside-down cage, I thought it might be better not to manhandle the plant since tomatoes could probably grow just fine on an upside-down cage, right?

When I looked at it again today I thought I'd go ahead with the fix since the garden is starting to look pretty awesome and there's no reason to have a big metal mistake sitting in the middle of it for everyone who looks at my garden in person or in pictures for the rest of the summer to see.

It wouldn't kill me to be a little more comfortable being a beginner.

And then it occurred to me that it might be cool to leave the mistake there, a conversation piece commemorating a rookie mistake and giving the garden some extra character.

Since I've pruned off the suckers and stems that have grown recently from near the bottom of the plant, though, it's growing much more at the top. The larger diameter rings at the top of the cage will do a much better job of supporting the heavy growth at the top than the smaller rings could. The shape of the cage matches the shape of the plant now. And having the prongs in the ground (per the original design of the cage) should make it more stable than when it was just standing on its head.

The Gard Report

2008-06-25T09:45:00.000-04:00

This is on Thursday, after I finished tying up the lattice and then installed a tomato cage upside down.

Note the back row tomatoes reaching up to the second row of the lattice, and the tall yellow tomato plant about even with the top of the wooden post.

Here's the whole setup this morning, the 25th. The yellow tomato grew more than a foot taller in five days.

I came home last night and saw these little yellow flowers on the yellow tomato plant just an hour and a half after being told that my plants weren't going to bloom. Stick that in your pipe, Trev. Also, who knew not to pick the buds? I did.

The tomatoes in the back row, now up to the third row of rope. Hoping to see some flowers start to sprout here in the next couple of days.

Trellis Day

2008-06-16T21:47:00.001-04:00

Here's the frame. I pounded four-foot lengths of steel pipe about halfway into the ground and then slipped the vertical supports (5'6" tall) over them and then connected the top piece. It seems pretty strong and I'll keep an eye on it as plants grow up it.

I'm tying the lattice together out of lengths of 3/16" nylon rope. I hung the vertical ones first. I was able to get the first two horizontal rows strung ahead of a short but strong rain storm and will do a few more on Wednesday.

The plants had started growing away from the trellis (toward the sunny side of the yard) and the stems are thick enough that they're just a little stubborn about being redirected now. I'm glad I didn't wait any longer to tie them up.

This will be the first night that the plants are uncovered. I'm hoping they're still there in the morning.

Garden Update 6/5

2008-06-05T21:11:00.001-04:00

Everything looking pretty good. I planted two of the three tomato plants that I got from Burpee in addition to the three that were already there. The third Burpee one is sitting in the planter in the top corner. I'm thinking about planting it in a separate container, outside of the main garden.

Up closer on the big yellow pear tomato and the quickly-growing beans, which are looking great. After taking these pictures I did my first round of thinning, down to one stalk where each plant is located for the beans, peas, and lettuce. All of the seedlings that I pulled up looked strong - in some cases it was a coinflip which one to keep. With less competition now, I think the plants will grow even faster and stronger now.

Last thing I did today was plant another square of lettuce. I re-planted marigolds in the same square next to the tomatoes on Monday, since the first seeds I put down never germinated.

Office Decor

2008-06-05T21:07:00.000-04:00

Anne, do you remember this thing? I've been meaning to tell you that I've been rocking this in my office for the last year or so.

Dinner

2008-05-29T13:47:00.001-04:00

Sprouting

2008-05-29T12:56:00.000-04:00

My chart where I jotted down what's in each square.

Checking in on things after work yesterday.

This was the first I saw of my lettuce, planted four to the square. I planted these on Monday the 29th, so it took about 10 days for these to pop up. I'm hoping one of the seeds in the lower right corner germinated and that we'll see that one next.

The lettuce again, with the first row of peas visible in the square above it.

The bean plants are juuuust starting to show themselves. It's hard to see in this picture but there are nine little bumps in the soil here, where the plants are starting to push up. I could only see the green tip poking through on one or two of them, and am betting that the rest of them will be appearing today.

The king of the garden so far, my yellow pepper, transplanted into the garden on 5/19 after being grown from seed by Trevor.

The two in the back are tomatoes, a brandywine in the top left corner and a beefsteak two squares to the right. The yellow pear tomato is the big one in the second row, and a jalapeno is two squares to the right. In the bottom right corner is the cayenne pepper. These all seem to be growing strong.

See how the yellow pepper is off-center in its square? I planted that "lay-me-down" style, by digging a trench and laying the plant horizontally in it. The young stem was flexible enough that I could gently bend the top part up into a vertical position and then pack some soil around it so it stood up straight. This keeps the roots and stem closer to the surface where the soil is warmer and gives the roots room to grow down through the soil as it matures.

The yellow tomato plant and me.

In the second row from the top, far right, you can just see four little plants. Those are my orange California poppies, the one thing I planted on 5/13. All four seem to be growing well and I should be able to thin them out this weekend.

Where We're At

2008-05-02T00:03:00.000-04:00

Most recent apartment pictures:

Note the dish rack and the clock. Those are new. And I put the driftwood on the built-in bookcase.

The new couch, out of which I am enjoying the hell, with a couple pillows I bought. Picked them out myself, nailed it.

Bedroom area, post-screen and with star up there...

The Gatorosa

2008-04-30T23:14:00.000-04:00

My Grape Gatorade Mimosa, a.k.a. the Purple Gatorosa. The best thing you've ever had? It may be.

Recipe: It's Korbel Brut with a healthy splash of purple Gatorade.

Out of Touch

2008-04-30T21:44:00.000-04:00

What do these two items have in common?

1) Greyness;
2) They're both in my home; and
3) The concept of being able to make effective use of either device is as foreign to me as Guatemala.

In psych class in college I read about the concept of cognitive unavailability, which is when something is so far removed from the collective radar of a culture that the people of the culture can't even understand the idea of the thing. After more than five years at 187A, that is what the idea of using a thermostat to somewhat precisely control an area's temperature is to me.

Heat in my last apartment was extraordinarily hard to come by. All winter, the radiators would sputter and clang to life only for a little while most mornings and rarely throughout the rest of the day, on the whole providing far more noise than heat.

So for the first few weeks in the new place, it's taken a long time for it to register in my head that there is a small dial in my home that I can move a quarter inch to the right and have my apartment start getting warm a couple minutes later. After almost a month, I shake my head and marvel a little bit each time I hear the boiler start rumbling below my feet a second after I dial up the heat.

The way I feel about that thermostat is the exact opposite of taking something for granted.

This all reminds me...I'm going to go turn on the heat.

The DVR is a a slightly different story. Out of my 30 years, I've only had the DVR for nine months. It hasn't been enough time for me to get into the habit of using it, so it still doesn't often occur to me to record anything. The Giants Super Bowl win that I should be watching about twice each month? Not on my DVR. When I do think to use it to record sports, I rarely get my whole game, which almost caused my head to explode when I was watching the Kansas-Davidson game and my screen went black with three minutes left and the score tied and me in the lead in my work pool with the Jayhawks as my champion. My failure to assimilate DVR into my life and easily absorb this technology makes me feel old.

I said it was a slightly different story, not a slightly interesting one.

By the way, I won the pool.

I Totally Blogged my Dinner

2008-04-30T20:45:00.000-04:00

On the way home from the subway today, I bought a bottle of Korbel at the liquor store,and two pork tenderloins at Union Market. I seasoned up the pork with salt, pepper, garlic powder and my great Creole Seasoning while I waited for the coals to get hot and flame down. I put the grill over the coals and gave it a good scrub and then took it off and wiped it down with a paper towel and olive oil. Then I tossed the meat on.

Gave it about 15 minutes on the direct heat with the lid off.

For a while it looked like a snake:

Came out nice.

Added the finishing touches and ate outside using my chef's knife and a fork.

No Worries, it's Under Control

2007-04-03T21:38:00.000-04:00

From an article on espn.go.com about the ovation that 25-year old Cincinnati Reds outfielder Josh Hamilton was given before his first career at-bat:

In that moment, he hadn't done anything yet as a major leaguer. His at-bat in the eighth inning of the Cincinnati Reds' 5-1 victory over the Chicago Cubs on Monday was the first of his career.

It's what he had already accomplished in his personal life -- getting his cocaine addiction under control, getting his life back on track -- that made the crowd of 42,720 stand and cheer.

What the hell is "under control" with regard to a coke addiction? I mean, I've got my porn addiction "under control" but I'd hate to get tested at work to see if there was any masturbation in my bloodstream.

Who's a Good Boy?

2007-04-03T21:20:00.000-04:00

Few things are as consistently awful as transit advertising.

I think it's sad that an ad like this is necessary. I'd like to think that people can look at dogs with epilepsy and not say "look, an epileptic!" Guess again, asshole - he's a dog, who happens to have epilepsy. What he has, not who he is. Read the ad.

Sunday Morning Triple Threat (Grape)

2007-04-01T11:41:00.000-04:00

Woke up early with a really faint hangover today. Luckily, I invented a remedy a few years back. Today's hangover is no match for it.

Start with your electrolytes. Grape and Fruit Punch are great but you can be creative.

Add stomach-soothing ginger and fizz.

Mix. This is the step I invented; nobody had ever done that before. Adjust the levels to taste.

Drink some coffee (separately from the Gator Ale. They don't mix well).

That's about it. Drink the beverages, eat a sandwich involving bacon, have a BM to complete the recovery process, and enjoy the rest of the day.

Max Gordon

2007-04-01T10:36:00.000-04:00

Could a corner BE any more Gordon than this one? No ma'am. This is the max.